I posted a “rant” last week
about not letting kids control their parents. (Click HERE if you'd like to read it.) Since
then I’ve received a ridiculous number of messages from people asking me how and
why I do certain things when it comes to raising my kids. The main question
being “Why did you make such a big deal about such a minor event?”
It’s true that, my 14 month
old not wanting to let me feed her is not a “life or death” event. Her throwing
a fit and falling down on the floor because
I wouldn’t give her a piece of chicken and let her feed herself will not make
THAT big of a difference in the long run. Or will it?
People have asked me why I
demand immediate obedience from my kids. Even with the “minor things”.
I’m posting this mainly
because I’m tired of typing it over and over again in messages =)
Here we go….
When Jeremiah was born I
realized that I was going to have to be a little bit tougher in my parenting.
Rachel was a “pretty good kid” but she was stubborn. She liked to test
boundaries and push limits. She was definitely the one who “walked the line”.
She was 2 ½ when we brought
Jeremiah home. I was exhausted and she was taking advantage of that exhaustion.
The worst part was that I was fully aware of what she was doing, and of the
fact that I was letting her. But I was tired and just plain lazy. I let her
walk all over me.
After Jeremiah was a few
weeks old I attempted my first grocery trip with just the 3 of us. As we were
leaving the store I took her out of the grocery cart….because she was whining
and begging me to let her walk. I gave in. And she took off!
I watched as she darted
across the parking lot toward the cars. I yelled for her to stop. She turned
and looked at me…then turned back around and kept running.
I had a sleeping infant in
the cart that I couldn’t just leave. I started running after her with the cart and I watched as she headed straight for a car
that was backing up. My worst nightmare was about to come true… Until a woman
grabbed her in the nick of time and held her til I got there. That woman could
have literally saved Rachel’s life that day. That situation could have ended
horribly. And it was entirely my fault.
My fault for letting her
whining get the best of me. My fault for taking her out of the cart instead of keeping
her safely inside like I knew I should have. And My fault for not instilling in
her that obeying Mommy is an absolute must.
I thanked the woman profusely,
then loaded up my kids, got in my car and just sat there shaking.
I promised myself that
things would change. My kids would know that when I say “stop”, I mean STOP.
NOW. IMMEDIATELY.
After that day, I didn’t
let her walk all over me anymore. It took a LONG TIME, a lot of prayer, diligence
and a LOT of patience, but she learned to obey immediately. And she helped to
teach that to Jeremiah when he was older, and now they are both teaching Katie.
We do “drills” with the kids
now and then to reinforce the immediate response to our commands. We practice
running down the hallway and stopping as soon as I say “stop”. It’s a game…a
game that can save a life someday.
So, no, the chicken was not
a “life or death” situation. But I could very well be in one again someday. And
with more than one child, there is no way I could run after all of them. My
kids know that when I speak, they listen. And they do so immediately. If I let
them get away with not listening in the “little things” like the chicken it can
make it hard to get them to listen in the times when it really matters.
You may or may not agree
with me, and that’s ok. But I came very close to losing my little girl because
I was being a lazy parent. Never again. My job is not to be their friend. It’s
to keep them safe. There is no place for laziness in my job. The consequences aren’t
worth it.
I love you. You have no idea how your words have helped me. I continually go back and forth with knowing the right thing to do, and seeing all of the looks of disapproval when I reprimand my 2 year old. I constantly hear, "Don't you think you're being a bit harsh?" NO! First Time Obedience is not wishy washy thing, it is constant! It is hard to be a parent these days, especially being a mom. People feel like it is their duty to continually harp a mother until she submits to their ideals of raising the perfect child. (In my case, I don't want my children to end up like ANY of theirs.) When the Father says, "This is how we do things", it seems that is respected and the conversation is over.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you so much for being an anchor. I know because you are a military wife that people will chock it up to being well, military. Just please know that many moms are in the same boat as you. Keep strong no matter the flack. It really does make a difference to those Mommas who truly want to make a difference in this world with their children.
~Beverly Street
Thank you so much for your words =)
DeleteThank you! I see so many parents that give in to their children's whining, tantrums or other bad behavior, thus reinforcing the unwanted behavior and not instilling that they must be obeyed in everything and I just cringe. It is not so much being judgemental of their parenting style, it is that I know three parents that have lost their children (all at age two) from taking off and not listening to their parents command to stop, because they were never taught to obey immediately and one little girl that at 18 months lost her hands and forearms running outside and across the tiny porch, falling off just as her dad drove the riding mower by and it ran over her hands and arms while Mom chased her down the hall yelling for her to stop. Dad reacted quickly, but it was still too late. In a small community that is a large percentage of children maimed and dead, because their parents decided it wasn't important to sweat the small stuff. I wonder sometimes how that translates to the national percentage. Yes, it is a bit more stressful in the moment to teach children to obey every time, but with consistency, even in the small stuff, it gets easier and the rewards down the line are innumerable. Children only learn what they are taught. We can either teach them to listen to us all the time or we can teach them that all they have to do is irritate us by acting out and they can get their way. Whatever we teach them consistently s what they will do and being wishy-washy just confuses them and makes them try harder to get their way all the time, thus making it harder to parent them in all areas. My hat is off to you.
ReplyDeleteSo true. It's heartbreaking to think of all of the children who have been injured or killed when many of those instances may have been avoided. It's also heartbreaking to think of the mothers of those children who may not have been raised the way I was and the way I'm raising my children. So many parents are at a loss because they had no real example themselves. Parenting is the hardest job I've ever done. I can't imagine doing it without the example and training I've received from my own parents.
DeleteWhen my boys were little I also enforce a strict no niggling/teasing/annoy policy with your brother. They are mid teens now and best friends. A close family member ignored the niggles etc and her kids are not best friends now. Results speak for themselves. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteOur children are also best friends =) It's a beautiful thing to see every day! Teaching them to be kind to each other is a must in our house =)
DeleteWell done for teaching your kids to be good little robots. The trouble is, when they stop listening to you, who are they going to listen to next? What are they going to end up doing because somebody told them to do it and they have developed no intrinsic sense of morality or autonomy? I think you had the right instinct to keep them safe but you have executed it in completely the wrong way and what you have done is leave your children more vulnerable than ever. My son does not follow orders, but he does listen and he knows how to keep himself safe, no need for me to control or dominate him, just through discussion and consistency. I fear for your girls if they ever get into a relationship with a man who has control issues of their own, they may end up accepting very bad treatment because they have been programmed to obey, and I speak from personal experience of this. There are other ways to raise children without bullying them.
ReplyDeleteHi Christina,
DeleteThanks for your impute. We also teach our children to be strong and independent people. We encourage them try things on their own and find out what they like and dislike. The biggest thing to keep in mind when teaching children to obey immediately is to make sure they understand WHY you are teaching them. Our kids know that we do it to keep them safe, teach them to be kind and to respect others. They also know that they can use their own discretion when it comes to listening to other people. Especially our oldest, who is six. She has been taught to RESPECTFULLY disagree with an adult if she is not comfortable with what they are asking her.
We are most definitely not training them to be “robots”. We are teaching them to obey US immediately…but also to ask us WHY we told them to do things. We want them to understand our reasoning, not just “follow orders”.
I definitely understand your concern with their future relationships. Teaching them morality and discretion is at the top of our list for the very reasons you mentioned. When it comes to future boyfriends and husbands, our girls will not be “following orders.” They will be ready to speak their minds, be strong and be true to who they are. If we do our job correctly, they will never be with a man who would try to hurt, control or manipulate them. And if, God forbid, that ever did happen, those men will have to face the wrath of two very loving and protective parents.
There is a BIG difference between keeping your child safe in a parking lot and letting them feed themselves chicken. Young children are not developmentally capable of controlling their impulses - their brains haven't developed enough for them to be able to do that. It's our job to keep them safe until they can, so yes you should have kept her in the cart. You could have also acknowledged her desire to be free and run while still setting the limit - that will make her feel heard and understood AND that you care about her safety and wellbeing. That is what limits should be about - safety and wellbeing, not about wielding power unnecessarily just to try to prove that you are bigger and stronger than your child. It makes me sad that you have allowed what must have been a scary situation to make you believe that you need to control every single little thing your child does - which you can't do anyway. Children will respond to your guidance based on your relationship with them and when they see that you want their best interests at heart and will allow them some choices in their lives, they will listen to you when it really matters. Your toddler wanting to feed themselves chicken is not one of those times and it'a actually quite important for a child's development and relationship with food to allow them to feed themselves, even if it makes a bit of mess. The mess is a small price to pay for them learning to become independent and experiment with different textures and flavours. I really hope you will reconsider your stance on this and not allow your relationship with your children to be based on fear, but on love and connection and respect.
ReplyDeleteI understand your concern. We let our 14 month old feed herself at almost every meal. That was not the issue. The issue was that she was throwing a tantrum and then expecting to get her way. It was obviously that she was aware of what she was doing and fully capable of controlling it. That is not going to fly in our home. If this had happened when she was 6-12 month old I may have reacted differently. But I am 100% sure she was “developmentally capable of controlling their impulses”.
Delete“Children will respond to your guidance based on your relationship with them and when they see that you want their best interests at heart…” I absolutely agree with your statement here. Our children DO listen based on our relationship. We let our children be themselves. We give them options and let them choose what they would like to do or eat or play. I let them decide what to wear each day.
We make it a priority to play with them, read to them and listen to their thoughts and concerns. We have a very good relationship with our children. But they also know that when we TELL them to do something, they are to listen and obey instantly. They understand that this means we are serious. It’s not about “wielding power unnecessarily just to try to prove that you are bigger and stronger” it’s about making sure they understand our tone of voice and that we are trying to keep them safe.
It would be an entirely different situation if we were trying to control every aspect of their lives (which, sadly, happen a lot in some families), but that’s not the case in our family. We encourage them to be themselves. But we will teach them to respect authority, be kind to others and be aware of their surroundings.
“You could have also acknowledged her desire to be free and run while still setting the limit - that will make her feel heard and understood AND that you care about her safety and well being.” I agree with that as well. That’s exactly what I should have done 4 years ago at the grocery store. But I didn’t. That IS what I do now =)
Again, thank you for your comment =)
She was probably throwing a tantrum because you were not letting her do something which was perfectly reasonable and she was not feeling heard. You turned a minor issue into a major one just so you could "win" the battle, which was not worth it, in my opinion. I still don't understand why you wouldn't let her do that, other than to simply avoid a mess. Kids are supposed to make a mess - it's how they learn.
DeleteNo she is NOT capable of controlling her impulses at her age. Any developmental psychologist can tell you that. Children's brains don't fully develop that ability until they are adults. It is ridiculous to suggest that she was deliberately manipulating you - she was simply expressing her valid frustration at not being allowed to feed herself, which is something she should have been allowed to do. You seemed to have turned it into a power struggle just for the sake of it to try to prove to her that you are bigger and stronger, when you actually come across as being an example of the controlling, manipulative person you don't want her to end up marrying.
You didn't give her a choice or listen to her in this case. Tantrums are the only tool toddlers have to express their big feelings, but you have used a vulnerable moment for her to overpower her. You weren't trying to keep her safe in this case, you were just trying to avoid her making a mess that no other parent I know would have a problem with. It was about convenience for you - it had nothing to do with her safety.
I still think you handled this situation in the wrong way, based on the fear you felt in what was a truly dangerous situation. Letting a child feed themself chicken is just not even in the same ball park.
Thank you for your opinion. You said “No she is NOT capable of controlling her impulses at her age.” I disagree. Because she DID control those impulses. It only took a few minutes of me not giving in for her to come to me sweetly and ask for a bite. She WAS fully aware of the situation. This was not the type of tantrum where the child loses control. She deliberately threw herself down, glared and me, and then came back extending her hand and expecting to get her way. The goal is not to dominate my child, it is to train her to listen and obey in EVERY situation.
DeleteIf you don’t teach them to listen in the little things but instead let them get away with those reactions, they will learn that obedience is optional. Children cannot see the big picture (the car backing up toward them) all they see is Mom and Dad. All they know is what you are asking of them. If I had let her control me with her tantrum, it would not be beneficial in future situations.
Again, the issue was not the mess or the chicken. She feeds herself every day and makes a HUGE mess. Not a problem. It’s easy to clean, she has fun and she is learning to use her senses. But I am the mother. If I don’t want to deal with a mess at every single meal, that is my prerogative.
You also said “Tantrums are the only tool toddlers have to express their big feelings”. Absolutely untrue. BABIES cry to express themselves because they have no other form of communication. TODDLERS can be taught to communicate. My daughter knows how to sign. She points to things. The takes my hand and leads me to the pantry when she wants a snack. She brings her empty sippy cup and signs “more please” when she wants a refill.
How did she learn these signs? I taught her. When she threw a fit, I would stop her and TEACH her how to ask for things. If you allow toddler to just throw fits, that’s all they will know.
At 14 months old all three of my children could sign. They could all ask for what they wanted. They could follow commands like “close the door”, put on your socks” “clean up the toys”. And they all thrive on the praise they receive from us after doing what we ask. My daughter brings me a clean diaper when she is wet, and throws the old one in the trash on her own after I change her. Because that’s what I taught her to do.
It’s sad to me that so many parents don’t understand what their children are capable of. Kids are SMART. You can teach your babies and toddlers to do so much! And yes, even to control their tempers.
i read your reaction to your daughters request for chicken. I have lived through 2 sets of sticky fingerprints, i get it. I am moved to write the following: I am sure baby did not enter a battle of the wills when she asked for chicken. And what I see happening was not teaching but training her to give up power to a stronger personality. My question is: will this serve her at age 15 when a boyfriend is pressuring her to have sex or a mean girl wants her to smoke something?
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you had offered her a less messy food ( dry bread) while you finger fed her the chicken would have met everyone's needs.
My intention is to offer a different perspective, parenting is really super hard, but i found that sometimes i forgot to put my head up and look at a bigger perspective. Sticky fingerprints will not keep you up at night, date rape might.
Again, the issue was not the chicken. My reaction when she asked for the chicken was to GIVE HER CHICKEN. Her reaction to my offering was to throw herself on the floor screaming because I did not do things her way. If I had given into her tiny demands how would that teach her to respect authority? How would that help her in her future jobs with future bosses? She would learn that all she has to do is throw a fit and people will cater to her will. That is not the kind of child I want to raise.
DeleteThe goal is not to make her weak or cause her to blindly follow orders from everyone she comes in contact with. The goal is to teach her respect for others, and teach her to control herself. And it worked. My kids know that they can be angry and they can be sad, but they cannot act out when they feel that way. They have all learned to control their tempers and SPEAK to us about their feelings rather than lashing out and throwing tantrums. They are becoming stronger. Not weaker.
I am not afraid to let my kids get messy. I let her feed herself at almost every meal. Getting messy is an excellent way to learn and explore. That was not the issue. The issue is the attitude she was demonstrating. I will not allow her to become a brat. I love her too much to let that happen.
I am simply telling you how I choose to do things (and the fact that my children are kind, caring, respectful children because of it). I am in no way telling others how to raise their children. If you feel you need to use another method, feel free. I pray your method works and your children end up becoming strong, independent, respectful adults when they are grown.
Good luck, and thanks for the comment =)
hi there. i have to admire your explanation on why u expect your children to obey immediately. but the way u ranted, made it sound completly diff than what u intended. its not easy defending yourself or stating your opinions in the face of others.. i do have a few questions for you though pertaining to my own children (6 years old and 1 yr on the 23rd). would it be ok to email u personaly? i understand if you feel uncomfortable. thank you Rachel Serrano
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. IntoPictures@yahoo.com =)
DeleteIf she were my kid I would not give in to tantrums but I would teach her how to get what she wanted in a more appropriate yet a achievable manner. So maybe have her sit down and fold her hands or use some sort of sign language. In this way you are still not giving into tantrums but it's not about a battle of wills.
ReplyDeleteI have taught her to sign actually =) She knows how to ask for food, say "please", "more", "milk", "thank you" etc. That is another reason I did not give into her tantrum. Every child is different, and if the mother is not 100% sure that the child is aware of the situation and capable of doing what you ask, you should handle the situation differently. I, however, was absolutely sure she knew HOW to ask for food. She knew what to do and chose the tantrum instead. Had she stopped and asked me the way I know she knows how to do, I would have let her feed herself. But I will NEVER give in to a child who is trying to control the situation with screaming, stomping or crying.
DeleteI can see that you are obviously a very loving mother who has her children's best interest at heart. I have spent a number of years studying child brain development and if you understood the makeup and biology of a young childs brain, you would understand the damaging effects that this type of parenting has. It may seem all well and good now that you have well behaved children that know that they have a mother who "always wins", but research shows that in the long run, the effects are damaging to their emotional and social well being.
ReplyDeleteI shared the original Facebook post with a friend who is also a developmental psychologist and she said what you said here almost verbatim.
DeleteAnd the thing that I find to be the most heartbreaking of all...is for a mother to think that it's not her "job" to be her child's friend. Motherhood is a "job" with many duties and responsibilities. And being a friend to your child is just one of the many. I agree...I feel that this is a loving mother who is unknowingly damaging her children by choosing this parenting approach.
Very valid concerns! I am also studying childhood brain development and it is a fascinating topic! I absolutely agree that you have to be careful at such a young age. But, kids are a lot smarter than most people give them credit for. I would never do this with a child who was not my own, or a child who was unable to do what I was requiring of them. My daughter was fully capable to following these commands. She was fully aware of what she was doing, and learned very quickly that I would not allow it. My daughter is shown love every minute of her life. We hug her constantly, we rock her, read to her, sing to her, play with her, etc. We do not spend all of our time trying to “control her”. But when she does act that way, we will teach her that that is not OK, and show her how she should act.
DeleteAlso, being their friend is not my top priority…but that doesn’t mean it’s not one of my priorities. We are very close to our children. We love them more than anything and they love us. My oldest daughter told me just the other day that her dad and I were her best friends.
DeleteWe are definitely friends with our children, and they know it. But when it comes to raising them, teaching them to become kind, respectful, and honorable people trumps being their friend. They will be angry with us at times. They will not want to “hang out” with us when we discipline them. They won’t think of us as friends all the time. And that’s OK. They know how much we love them. They know that we would never do anything to harm them. We have an amazing relationship with our children. Showing them love, training them and preparing them for a world ready to take advantage of them is my main goal.
There are many families that make it their main goal to “break the wills” of their children. They spend all day fighting for control with battle after battle, never letting the child win. THAT is not good for the children. But that is not what is going on in our home. We spend our days loving each other, playing, reading, dancing, coloring, etc. Our kids are not oppressed. They are ridiculously loved. BUT, when they do act that way, I will not give in. I can’t. I will not let my children grow up to be brats who think they can manipulate authority and do things their way. That will not be beneficial to them when trying to hold a job, when trying to manage in college, and when trying to build healthy relationships with others. Their future is too important to me to let them behave like that. I will teach them how to behave the best way I know how. This is it. And this is working for us.
Again, I‘m not trying to force my approach on anyone else. Every child is different. Every family is different. I encourage parents to do things however they feel is best.
Thank you for your comment and your concern =)
This makes me sad on so many levels. Please do your research on child development, both physical and emotional. I truly believe you love your children, but there has been so much progress in parenting approaches because of research and facts. If your goal is to raise children who are happy and emotionally sound as adults, then this may not be the best approach. You have let your fears dictate your parenting and trickle down to these children. I hope you will at least open your mind and heart to other possibilities.
ReplyDeleteI actually do research daily on child development. Studies show that children thrive when they have rules and boundaries. Children crave it. They want to know where the lines are. They feel safer when they know the boundaries.
DeleteEvery time we discipline our children, they ask us to hold them. My son specifically asks me to rock him in the rocker and talk to him about what just happened. He wants to understand the situation. He asks why he can’t do what he just did. He is not afraid of us. He wants to be close to us. He wants to understand our reasoning behind our rules. And we are happy to explain to them those reasons.
When we discipline our children like this, it actually brings us closer to each other. We understand each other better and our children become more loving, more caring and more respectful.
Yes, my goal is to raise children who will be happy as adults, but I also want to make sure they are able to follow instructions from employers, build relationships with friends and future spouses, be strong and independent and be aware of their surroundings. There is so much more to life than just “being happy”. I want my children to thrive in an environment that is ready to take them down. It’s a big job. It’s not easy. It requires a lot of prayer, a lot of love and a lot of patience.
If I ever thought my approach was hurting my child, I would change it immediately. But my children are soaking up every situation and learning quickly from it.
Thank you for your concerns and comment =)
Yes as I thought. You WIN.
ReplyDeleteYes. I "win". Because we do have daily battles in which my children need to be taught how to behave. When I tell them to do something, or not to do something, they have options. They can listen, or they can fight me on it. If they want to fight, we will fight. But yes, I will "win". I don't expect everyone to understand this. If you would rather let your children run things, be my guest.
DeleteNow, if they do not want to do what I ask, they can come to me and explain to me why the don't want to do it, and ask if I can change my mind. They ask if they can play a little bit longer. They ask if they can have a different snack instead of the one I gave them, etc. This also happens daily. Often I will tell them to go do something and they will stop and say "Can I do that after I do this?" Sometimes I allow them to continue doing what they want, and sometimes I don't. It all depends on the situation and the attitude they have when they speak to me.
But, again, you are correct. If my kids want to fight, we will fight. And I will win.
I'm sorry you have a problem with it, but it has done amazing things for our family, for my children's safety and for their sweet personalities. Therefore, I will continue to win =)
I'm surprised by the number of people who left a comment but misunderstood or didn't read all of your post and responses to others. I applaud you for putting this situation out there knowing you would be open to criticism from all kinds of people that think they know best. Keep doing what's best for your family and if the experiences that you share can help another family, that's great too!
ReplyDeleteThank you! =) I honestly believe those people are genuinely concerned for my children. It's hard to read a post like this when you do not know the author personally. If they knew my family they would have a better sense of why I say these things and how we run our family.
DeleteThank you so much for the encouragement! =)
I completely understand why you reacted the way you did in this situation. I was a single mom my first time around and struggled with discipline. I still struggle. The second time around, I learned earlier what they are capable of as toddlers - how they can express what they want, how they can help clean up and so on. Although my second is an even bigger challenge personality-wise, he's learning early that there are rules to follow.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree that if you don't teach them in the "small" moments, the big moments won't be obeyed either. It's never about domination, but it is about authority. Parents do and should have authority over their children, as well as love them unconditionally.
Sounds like you're doing a great job, mamma! Keep it up!!
Thank you =) One thing I've learned as a parent is that every child is different, and not every tactic works with every child. Our oldest is stubborn, hardheaded and likes to test me often. Our middle child is sensitive and will often burst into tears and apologize if I am stern with him. Learning the personalities of your children makes a huge difference in raising them correctly. They all need to be taught to love each other, listen and respect authority, but there are many different roads to get there =)
DeleteTJ... You are SO sweet to try and explain yourself to all these people that are arguing with your method of parenting. Nothing you said seemed extreme or emotionally hurtful to your children! You are doing a great job and unfortunately, disobedience happens too often in children and in teens. There's a lack of respect to authorities.. And no, not authorities that take advantage of our children-- our job is to teach this difference to our children. When a teacher asks you to please stop talking during a lecture, your child should know to listen without rolling their eyes, etc. In college, they'd be kicked out of class yet parents make up sooo many excuses for this behavior. "I'm sorry he struggles to listen at home too"... And many more excuses. Good for you for teaching your children obedience and do your best to ignore all the people who are bashing your method. You seem to love on your children and I think that's awesome! There's no better parent then one who loves them unconditionally yet has set limits and rules!
ReplyDeleteThank you =) I absolutely agree. Our job is to "train them up" and make sure they are ready to handle the world on their own someday. Teaching them discernment is a must. Most of the people who disagree with me say they will end up in bad relationships because I'm "training them to obey". I understand that concern, especially since all they know of me is this one blog post!
DeleteTeaching our children self-defense, awareness of their surroundings, respect for authority and discernment go hand in hand with obedience. I don't expect them to just obey everyone without question. And they know this.
Thank you so much for the encouragement =)
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ReplyDeleteMy partner and I have been practicing authoritative parenting with our one-year-old twins so it has been very easy and relaxed for us to parent them, but with my 3-year-old son, who wasn't raised in the same manner, we are having a difficult time. What did you do to get your oldest to start being obedient? Those military drills sound intriguing.....
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteLots and lots and LOTS of practice! It definitely didn't happen overnight, and I had to force myself to be consistent. It's so easy for parents to let little things slide when they are tired or just don't want to deal with it at the time. I made sure NOT to let myself do that.
DeleteWe had many drills (like the running down the hallway drill). We practiced that both inside and outside so she would learn to obey everywhere, not just in the hallway.
A big struggle I had with my oldest at the time was her getting out of bed each night. We moved her to a toddler bed so the baby could have the crib. She would get up constantly. We had a lot of stairs in the house at the time, and her room was on the other end of the house from ours. I didn't like the idea of her wandering around at night while I was asleep. It would have been easy to just block off the stairs and let her keep getting out of bed. But I wanted to enforce the obedience.
For weeks, she would get up, and I would put her back. Over and over and over again. Every single night.
I made sure to never raise my voice at her, and never spank her. I just wanted to her understand that bedtime meant you stay in bed. I would just carry her back to her bed, tuck her in and leave.
I told her she could look at books in her bed til she fell asleep.
It took a little over 3 weeks, but she finally stayed in her bed. Each night I would let her pick out some books to take to her bed with her. She would look at them for a while, then lie down and sleep. She would stay in her bed until I came to get her the next morning.
It wasn't easy doing it when I was exhausted (I had a newborn that didn't let me sleep much), but it was so worth it!
Now, both of the older kids stay in their beds until I come to get them up. It just takes consistency and lots of patience =)
AMEN!! Yea you! Never stop being who you are or doing what you're doing. You are AWESOME! And your children will be awesome as well!
ReplyDeleteI always say, "They didn't come out of the womb that way" and that goes for good as well as bad!
You are an awesome parent.
Thank you =)
DeleteAMEN!! Yea you! Never stop being who you are or doing what you're doing. You are AWESOME! And your children will be awesome as well!
ReplyDeleteI always say, "They didn't come out of the womb that way" and that goes for good as well as bad!
You are an awesome parent.
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DeleteThanks for the encouragement to keep parenting purposefully! Baby #4 is due any day now and I want to remain consistent through the changes that are happening. Kids just plain do not understand in the moment if it is a chicken or a car in reverse! They cannot determine whether it's something that needs to be obeyed immediately or not - thus parents. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThe amazing thing is watching my daughter (6) as she starts to understand this. I heard my 14 month old crying last week and went to check on her. My 6 year old had pulled her out of the bathroom and closed the door so that she couldn't go back in.
DeleteI asked her why she did that and told me that my hair straightener was on and she didn't want the baby to touch it and burn herself.
She said "Katie can't see it, so she doesn't know that she might get hurt. Just like you do with me sometimes."
Amazing to see them catch on to things like this! =)
And congratulations on baby #4! That's amazing!
DeleteI am BLOWN AWAY at the respectful, patient, kind, humble and wise way you respond to these comments! You are my hero on so many levels!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much =)
DeleteIf you always win... then your children always lose.
ReplyDeleteIf my children want to whine, complain, throw a fit, for fight me on an issue, yes, they always lose. But we have taught them to speak to us with respect when they want something. If I tell them to do something they really don't want to do, they can come to me with respect and explain to us why they don't want to do it. When they do this, I"ll often let them have their way just to reward the fact that they chose that route rather than fighting or complaining (if what they want is something safe and appropriate). In that sense, our children often win. It all depends on the attitude they choose to bring. Because we do this, our children rarely ever have tantrums or act out. They understand that good behavior and respect is rewarded, while the opposite is not.
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